Small miracles...

2 small things happened today that were so amazing in my house, I almost cried.

#1- This may seem like nothing to most of you, but Hannah took Motrin for her knee pain today.  This child has not taken ANY medications since having surgery at age 4.  I had to hold her down and force Tylenol and Motrin into her when she had a 104 fever with her chicken pox.  She twisted her ankle really bad last year and literally hopped around for 2 days rather than take anything.  It's been this weird side-effect since she was sick, she just decided medicine was bad and always refused to take it.  And today, she completely willingly took it for nothing more than a twisted knee that will probably be better by morning.

#2- I was teasing her (because she whines dramatically when she's hurt even a little) that if she didn't stop she was going to have to have the doctor check it.  She asked if that meant an xray (because apparently those are really cool) and I said "Nope, right to cat scan with you!"...then it happened.  She looked at me and said, "What's a cat scan?"

She is really forgetting most of it.  Yes, it traumatizes her for a day or two when we go to the oncologist but she really forgets the worst of it.  She doesn't remember the surgery.  She doesn't remember being held down to get 4 attempts at an IV so she could be sedated and get her CT.  She doesn't remember any of that.  I don't think there's any way to explain how amazing it is to realize your child has finally forgotten the most painful & traumatic thing that has happened to her.

Week 2 Day 1...

Much harder.  I never would have thought that doing 6 rounds of 90 seconds of running would be that much harder than 9 rounds of 60 seconds.  In the end it's the same amount of running...but those last 15-20 seconds of each run really seemed to drag.  I did it though, and did it at the speed of the 10 min mile still.  Yay small accomplishment =)

"Quick" update....

So it's been forever since I updated!  Sorry about that but things have been really hectic!  Here's  quick (aka long) snapshot of the days since I last posted!

C25K- I finished week 1 and on the last day of it I ran at a 10 mile/hour pace.  I felt like it kicked my butt but I was so glad I got through it.  Tomorrow I start week 2/day 1, so we'll see how that goes!

We booked our summer vacation for June and I'm SUPER excited!  We are going away with my best friend & her family for 4 nights to this great little place (at least I hope it's as great as it looks!). We're each renting a 2 bedroom townhouse at this place called Nordic Village.  Those of you who know the New England area, we will be right near Storyland and the kids will have a great time!  We're getting there on Sunday and leaving  on Thursday. Then I'll have 2 days at home to recover before going back to work on Sat night.  I haven't taken a whole week off from work since BEFORE Hannah was born.   I am just really happy to do this before we TTC after the summer.  

Saturday Hannah had a birthday party for one of her friends and it was drop-off.  So I got to head over to the mall for about 1.5 hours and get some shopping done.  I bought a dress and shoes for the wedding we're going to in a few weeks and I LOVE it!  It's super-cute and it's probably the first time in a long time that I've tried on a dress and immediately thought "wow, i love this" and then still felt that way when I got home!  

I have to give a bunch of money to the tax man and I'm not happy about it.  We knew it was coming because we got bumped into the next tax bracket this year and wasn't enough held back.  so boo to that.  That leaves me 5ish months to save the money I want so I am going to be really annoying and not let Zach spend any money. Lol.  

Well that's about all for now!!! 

Week 1 Day 2...

SO MUCH BETTER!!!  Lol.

Well, mainly because I ran on the treadmill instead of on the road.  The treadmills at the back of the gym are amazing.  I can just type in 3.0 or 5.5 and it automatically changes it within a few seconds instead of having to increase/decrease it 0.1 at a time.  And the best part???  Built in fan...yup.  Starting to get overheated? Just turn on the fan!  It's great.

Of course it was also easier on my knees and ankles.  I wasn't ready to pass out at the end.  In fact I did another 15 min of cardio on the elliptical after.

So for now I think I'll do most of it on the treadmill.  As I feel more comfortable with it I may move back to the road.  But with New England weather and the fact that the treadmill is so much easier, I think that's what I'll do for now.  But yay for day 2 finished!

Week 1 Day 1....ouch

"Brisk five-minute warmup walk. Then alternate 60 seconds of jogging and 90 seconds of walking for a total of 20 minutes. Five-minute cooldown walk."

Ok, so week 1 day 1 of C25K was....interesting.  I'll start by acknowledging that I actually did it.  I didn't quit. I didn't find excuses.  I just did it.

What I learned:
~ This is going to take some major time to adjust to.  My legs are aching, my head is throbbing.  My lungs felt like they were on fire at one point. I'm pretty sure my vitals were BP 398/201, HR 280, RR 75, POx 75

~ I need to hydrate better BEFORE running. Most of the headache was probably due to dehydration.

~ The first 3 60-second runs were horrible, the middle 3 were worse, but the last 3 were slightly better.  My lungs opened up, muscles started working together and I finally had it in my head that it really was only 60 seconds.

~I may actually be able to do it.  Maybe it will take 9 months instead of 9 weeks but I may be able to do it.

Getting in shape...

Hey guys!!
So next week (on the recommendation of an awsome lady) I'm going to start the Couch-to-5K training program. Basically it is a 9 week program that little by little improves and increases your running so that by the end you can run for 30 minutes or 3 miles non-stop.

I used to play soccer and dance before I had Hannah and could easily run 3 miles.  After being pregnant I got way overweight and really lazy!  Over the past 2 years I've lost 50 pounds and now it's time to get back in shape!!!  (You know, right before I plan to get pregnant and out of shape again.  Lol)  In reality my hope it to be in good enough shape that I can keep a little bit of an exercise program when we do decide to TTC so that I will stay in shape during & after pregnancy too!

I would really love it if every now and then if you notice I haven't done my workouts you call me on it!!  It's 3x per week and I plan on FB posting it when I complete a workout!  I've learned with myself if I tell as many people as possible about something I make a commitment to then I feel more encouraged to finish it!!!

Secondly, if anyone is interested and wants to do it too, I'd love a virtual workout buddy =)

Now here are the things I know I will try to use excuses to quit:
1- I'm lazy...lol.  It's just the truth, I need to push myself and kick my butt when I don't want to do it.
2- My knees...I have bad knees to start with.  They act up every so often but I'm hoping as the muscles stengthen and with the right support brace that they will be okay.
3- Time, time, time...full time working mom who's kid is WAY too big for a jogging stroller, nuff said!
4- Weather....I live in New England so who knows what the weather will be like on the days I have time to run.  So I'm going to sign back up for the gym so I have access to the treadmill when the weather is bad.

So here we go!

Freedom to.....

I love being married.  I love being able to decide that I love this man and I want to be with him forever and just make the choice and have others support it.  I love being able to openly say "I'm in love, I'm married and I want everyone to know it!"  I know this next statement could be controversial to many but...I wish everyone had that same right.

How does 2 men or 2 woman being married hurt someone else?  It may offend you.  It may confuse you.  It may even disgust you (let me say I don't feel this way!). But how does it HURT you?  It doesn't.

I even extend this to polygamy.  We can all agree on some things: child-brides...bad;  welfare fraud...bad; cheating on your taxes..."bad" (lol).  But those are the extremes we see on TV.  If someone wants to be married to multiple wives and have 30 children, why should I care?  As long as the adults in the family work to support their own children, and are all in agreement of the situation then let them do what they will.

If people marry in a religious ceremony and don't really get a "legal" marriage licence then they technically aren't even breaking the law.  In the case of the TV series "Sister Wives" (yes, I watch lots of bad reality TV. lol) the husband is only legally married to 1 wife.

They all feel that their children should have the right to choose whichever path they want in life.  If they want to pursue polygamy or momogomy they have support from their parents.  How many main-stream parents can say they would allow their child open-heartedly to do whatever made them happy when it comes to love and marriage?

I guess I just think what makes me so lucky to be allowed to marry and love whoever I want?  Any one of us could have been born into a different lifestyle or fell in love with someone else...wouldn't you want to be able to express that love openly?

Goodnight...

Not sure if any of you have ever worked night shifts, but every so often it's like having a newborn again.  Yesterday I woke up at 3pm to get Hannah off the bus and then wasn't able to really nap in the evening.  Work, as usual, was from 11pm-7am and then I had to go to a work training from 8am-12pm.  Got home just after 1, slept for a glorious 90ish minutes, and got up to get Hannah off the bus.  Then had to take her to dance class from 430-530.  So in the past 28ish hours I've had less than 2 hours of sleep.

I've reached that point of being tired-drunk.  All you mama's know what I mean?  I realized somewhere around 30 minutes into dance class, while talking with another mom, that I hadn't eaten.  Not just lunch or dinner, I hadn't eaten since the 2 graham crackers I ate at 2am....hmmm, probably should eat.  Ok got that covered when we got home.  Basic mental function?  Um, no!  Hannah asked me how to spell teacher... not supercalifragilisticexpialidocious... just teacher.  I had to spellcheck it.  My head was pounding at one point but I wouldn't take anything...I couldn't remember what or when I had taken earlier!

On the upside I did remember to: stop at all red lights, feed Hannah (though she probably would have just fed herself...lol), change into my PJs, warn my husband that I'm exhausted and most importantly...update my blog.  Lol

[And I must mention that I had to correct about 15 different things in this short blog...goodnight!]

Strength...

Sometimes I wish I could cry.  Not just tear up at a sad movie or bad news...but a real full blown break-down cry.  But I've built myself into this person that just doesn't do that.  Years back, when I was working 32-40 hours with full time school and motherhood, I would break down every few months.  I would just collapse with no reason and cry for 5, 10, 15 minutes and my husband would sit beside me on the floor and hold my hand or hug me until I was done.  There was nothing WRONG to speak of but I just needed to get out the frustration of the weeks, the way a newborn cries at the end of a long day to get through all the stimulation.  But since then?

I've built up to this person of "strength".  People just expect me to carry on and not loose it.  When Hannah was sick in the hospital I had (in my opinion) more right than anyone to fall apart...but I couldn't.  I had to hold it together and find a job since I had just graduated.  I was now a nurse so I had to be pulled together enough to talk to the doctors and make informed decisions.  I had to sit by my daughter's bedside and hold her hand for 6 days straight because the only time I left for a few hours the whole world fell apart in that hospital room.  I had to keep everyone informed and up to date, rather than just collapse at her bedside and shut out the world.  (Side-note, none of this was because Zach WOULDN'T, it's just a standard I put on myself.)

When my dad got sick?  Same thing all over again.  I have to be the medical one and explain to everyone what every test and lab means.  I have to be strong and understanding so that my little sister can fall apart each time something goes wrong and doesn't have to feel obligated to help at all.  I have to keep a smile on every time I'm talking to him about these things so that Hannah doesn't see how much it breaks my heart...cause that would scare her too.  I have to understand every word and every moment without emotionally reacting to all of it.  Right after his surgery I fell apart once at a friend's house for about 5 min.  His surgery was in Aug '09.

I have made myself (at no one else's fault) into this person that everyone always expects to see strength from. I'm the caregiver, not the person to be cared for.  I make myself the person that people go to when things are really bad, and try not to put it back on them.  I've been told by people that they admire how strong I can be when times are tough.  That it's really a characteristic that is wonderful.

But what many people don't understand is that being strong isn't easy.  Just because I don't break down and cry, doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt just as much.  Just because I don't ask for a shoulder to cry on, doesn't mean I couldn't use one.  Just because I say everything will be okay, doesn't mean I really think that.  Just because I smile doesn't mean I'm not heartbroken inside.  And just because I act "strong" doesn't mean I'm not just as scared and sad and angry as you.

Mountains.....

I plan to post something real later, but I heard this song earlier and it describles well how I feel lately...or at least how I want to get to feeling. It's just the bridge and chorus but my favorite parts. The song is "Mountains" by Lonestar:

This world ain't fair
It can knock you on your butt
You can just lie there
Or you can get back up
You gotta get back up

There are times in life when you gotta crawl
Lose your grip, trip and fall
When you can't lean on no-one else
That's when you find yourself
I've been around and I've noticed that
Walkin's easier when the road is flat
Them danged ol' hiils'll get you every time
Yeah, the good Lord gave us mountains
(The good Lord gave us mountains)
So we could learn how to climb
Yeah, oh