Small miracles...

2 small things happened today that were so amazing in my house, I almost cried.

#1- This may seem like nothing to most of you, but Hannah took Motrin for her knee pain today.  This child has not taken ANY medications since having surgery at age 4.  I had to hold her down and force Tylenol and Motrin into her when she had a 104 fever with her chicken pox.  She twisted her ankle really bad last year and literally hopped around for 2 days rather than take anything.  It's been this weird side-effect since she was sick, she just decided medicine was bad and always refused to take it.  And today, she completely willingly took it for nothing more than a twisted knee that will probably be better by morning.

#2- I was teasing her (because she whines dramatically when she's hurt even a little) that if she didn't stop she was going to have to have the doctor check it.  She asked if that meant an xray (because apparently those are really cool) and I said "Nope, right to cat scan with you!"...then it happened.  She looked at me and said, "What's a cat scan?"

She is really forgetting most of it.  Yes, it traumatizes her for a day or two when we go to the oncologist but she really forgets the worst of it.  She doesn't remember the surgery.  She doesn't remember being held down to get 4 attempts at an IV so she could be sedated and get her CT.  She doesn't remember any of that.  I don't think there's any way to explain how amazing it is to realize your child has finally forgotten the most painful & traumatic thing that has happened to her.

Week 2 Day 1...

Much harder.  I never would have thought that doing 6 rounds of 90 seconds of running would be that much harder than 9 rounds of 60 seconds.  In the end it's the same amount of running...but those last 15-20 seconds of each run really seemed to drag.  I did it though, and did it at the speed of the 10 min mile still.  Yay small accomplishment =)

"Quick" update....

So it's been forever since I updated!  Sorry about that but things have been really hectic!  Here's  quick (aka long) snapshot of the days since I last posted!

C25K- I finished week 1 and on the last day of it I ran at a 10 mile/hour pace.  I felt like it kicked my butt but I was so glad I got through it.  Tomorrow I start week 2/day 1, so we'll see how that goes!

We booked our summer vacation for June and I'm SUPER excited!  We are going away with my best friend & her family for 4 nights to this great little place (at least I hope it's as great as it looks!). We're each renting a 2 bedroom townhouse at this place called Nordic Village.  Those of you who know the New England area, we will be right near Storyland and the kids will have a great time!  We're getting there on Sunday and leaving  on Thursday. Then I'll have 2 days at home to recover before going back to work on Sat night.  I haven't taken a whole week off from work since BEFORE Hannah was born.   I am just really happy to do this before we TTC after the summer.  

Saturday Hannah had a birthday party for one of her friends and it was drop-off.  So I got to head over to the mall for about 1.5 hours and get some shopping done.  I bought a dress and shoes for the wedding we're going to in a few weeks and I LOVE it!  It's super-cute and it's probably the first time in a long time that I've tried on a dress and immediately thought "wow, i love this" and then still felt that way when I got home!  

I have to give a bunch of money to the tax man and I'm not happy about it.  We knew it was coming because we got bumped into the next tax bracket this year and wasn't enough held back.  so boo to that.  That leaves me 5ish months to save the money I want so I am going to be really annoying and not let Zach spend any money. Lol.  

Well that's about all for now!!! 

Week 1 Day 2...

SO MUCH BETTER!!!  Lol.

Well, mainly because I ran on the treadmill instead of on the road.  The treadmills at the back of the gym are amazing.  I can just type in 3.0 or 5.5 and it automatically changes it within a few seconds instead of having to increase/decrease it 0.1 at a time.  And the best part???  Built in fan...yup.  Starting to get overheated? Just turn on the fan!  It's great.

Of course it was also easier on my knees and ankles.  I wasn't ready to pass out at the end.  In fact I did another 15 min of cardio on the elliptical after.

So for now I think I'll do most of it on the treadmill.  As I feel more comfortable with it I may move back to the road.  But with New England weather and the fact that the treadmill is so much easier, I think that's what I'll do for now.  But yay for day 2 finished!

Week 1 Day 1....ouch

"Brisk five-minute warmup walk. Then alternate 60 seconds of jogging and 90 seconds of walking for a total of 20 minutes. Five-minute cooldown walk."

Ok, so week 1 day 1 of C25K was....interesting.  I'll start by acknowledging that I actually did it.  I didn't quit. I didn't find excuses.  I just did it.

What I learned:
~ This is going to take some major time to adjust to.  My legs are aching, my head is throbbing.  My lungs felt like they were on fire at one point. I'm pretty sure my vitals were BP 398/201, HR 280, RR 75, POx 75

~ I need to hydrate better BEFORE running. Most of the headache was probably due to dehydration.

~ The first 3 60-second runs were horrible, the middle 3 were worse, but the last 3 were slightly better.  My lungs opened up, muscles started working together and I finally had it in my head that it really was only 60 seconds.

~I may actually be able to do it.  Maybe it will take 9 months instead of 9 weeks but I may be able to do it.

Getting in shape...

Hey guys!!
So next week (on the recommendation of an awsome lady) I'm going to start the Couch-to-5K training program. Basically it is a 9 week program that little by little improves and increases your running so that by the end you can run for 30 minutes or 3 miles non-stop.

I used to play soccer and dance before I had Hannah and could easily run 3 miles.  After being pregnant I got way overweight and really lazy!  Over the past 2 years I've lost 50 pounds and now it's time to get back in shape!!!  (You know, right before I plan to get pregnant and out of shape again.  Lol)  In reality my hope it to be in good enough shape that I can keep a little bit of an exercise program when we do decide to TTC so that I will stay in shape during & after pregnancy too!

I would really love it if every now and then if you notice I haven't done my workouts you call me on it!!  It's 3x per week and I plan on FB posting it when I complete a workout!  I've learned with myself if I tell as many people as possible about something I make a commitment to then I feel more encouraged to finish it!!!

Secondly, if anyone is interested and wants to do it too, I'd love a virtual workout buddy =)

Now here are the things I know I will try to use excuses to quit:
1- I'm lazy...lol.  It's just the truth, I need to push myself and kick my butt when I don't want to do it.
2- My knees...I have bad knees to start with.  They act up every so often but I'm hoping as the muscles stengthen and with the right support brace that they will be okay.
3- Time, time, time...full time working mom who's kid is WAY too big for a jogging stroller, nuff said!
4- Weather....I live in New England so who knows what the weather will be like on the days I have time to run.  So I'm going to sign back up for the gym so I have access to the treadmill when the weather is bad.

So here we go!

Freedom to.....

I love being married.  I love being able to decide that I love this man and I want to be with him forever and just make the choice and have others support it.  I love being able to openly say "I'm in love, I'm married and I want everyone to know it!"  I know this next statement could be controversial to many but...I wish everyone had that same right.

How does 2 men or 2 woman being married hurt someone else?  It may offend you.  It may confuse you.  It may even disgust you (let me say I don't feel this way!). But how does it HURT you?  It doesn't.

I even extend this to polygamy.  We can all agree on some things: child-brides...bad;  welfare fraud...bad; cheating on your taxes..."bad" (lol).  But those are the extremes we see on TV.  If someone wants to be married to multiple wives and have 30 children, why should I care?  As long as the adults in the family work to support their own children, and are all in agreement of the situation then let them do what they will.

If people marry in a religious ceremony and don't really get a "legal" marriage licence then they technically aren't even breaking the law.  In the case of the TV series "Sister Wives" (yes, I watch lots of bad reality TV. lol) the husband is only legally married to 1 wife.

They all feel that their children should have the right to choose whichever path they want in life.  If they want to pursue polygamy or momogomy they have support from their parents.  How many main-stream parents can say they would allow their child open-heartedly to do whatever made them happy when it comes to love and marriage?

I guess I just think what makes me so lucky to be allowed to marry and love whoever I want?  Any one of us could have been born into a different lifestyle or fell in love with someone else...wouldn't you want to be able to express that love openly?

Goodnight...

Not sure if any of you have ever worked night shifts, but every so often it's like having a newborn again.  Yesterday I woke up at 3pm to get Hannah off the bus and then wasn't able to really nap in the evening.  Work, as usual, was from 11pm-7am and then I had to go to a work training from 8am-12pm.  Got home just after 1, slept for a glorious 90ish minutes, and got up to get Hannah off the bus.  Then had to take her to dance class from 430-530.  So in the past 28ish hours I've had less than 2 hours of sleep.

I've reached that point of being tired-drunk.  All you mama's know what I mean?  I realized somewhere around 30 minutes into dance class, while talking with another mom, that I hadn't eaten.  Not just lunch or dinner, I hadn't eaten since the 2 graham crackers I ate at 2am....hmmm, probably should eat.  Ok got that covered when we got home.  Basic mental function?  Um, no!  Hannah asked me how to spell teacher... not supercalifragilisticexpialidocious... just teacher.  I had to spellcheck it.  My head was pounding at one point but I wouldn't take anything...I couldn't remember what or when I had taken earlier!

On the upside I did remember to: stop at all red lights, feed Hannah (though she probably would have just fed herself...lol), change into my PJs, warn my husband that I'm exhausted and most importantly...update my blog.  Lol

[And I must mention that I had to correct about 15 different things in this short blog...goodnight!]

Strength...

Sometimes I wish I could cry.  Not just tear up at a sad movie or bad news...but a real full blown break-down cry.  But I've built myself into this person that just doesn't do that.  Years back, when I was working 32-40 hours with full time school and motherhood, I would break down every few months.  I would just collapse with no reason and cry for 5, 10, 15 minutes and my husband would sit beside me on the floor and hold my hand or hug me until I was done.  There was nothing WRONG to speak of but I just needed to get out the frustration of the weeks, the way a newborn cries at the end of a long day to get through all the stimulation.  But since then?

I've built up to this person of "strength".  People just expect me to carry on and not loose it.  When Hannah was sick in the hospital I had (in my opinion) more right than anyone to fall apart...but I couldn't.  I had to hold it together and find a job since I had just graduated.  I was now a nurse so I had to be pulled together enough to talk to the doctors and make informed decisions.  I had to sit by my daughter's bedside and hold her hand for 6 days straight because the only time I left for a few hours the whole world fell apart in that hospital room.  I had to keep everyone informed and up to date, rather than just collapse at her bedside and shut out the world.  (Side-note, none of this was because Zach WOULDN'T, it's just a standard I put on myself.)

When my dad got sick?  Same thing all over again.  I have to be the medical one and explain to everyone what every test and lab means.  I have to be strong and understanding so that my little sister can fall apart each time something goes wrong and doesn't have to feel obligated to help at all.  I have to keep a smile on every time I'm talking to him about these things so that Hannah doesn't see how much it breaks my heart...cause that would scare her too.  I have to understand every word and every moment without emotionally reacting to all of it.  Right after his surgery I fell apart once at a friend's house for about 5 min.  His surgery was in Aug '09.

I have made myself (at no one else's fault) into this person that everyone always expects to see strength from. I'm the caregiver, not the person to be cared for.  I make myself the person that people go to when things are really bad, and try not to put it back on them.  I've been told by people that they admire how strong I can be when times are tough.  That it's really a characteristic that is wonderful.

But what many people don't understand is that being strong isn't easy.  Just because I don't break down and cry, doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt just as much.  Just because I don't ask for a shoulder to cry on, doesn't mean I couldn't use one.  Just because I say everything will be okay, doesn't mean I really think that.  Just because I smile doesn't mean I'm not heartbroken inside.  And just because I act "strong" doesn't mean I'm not just as scared and sad and angry as you.

Mountains.....

I plan to post something real later, but I heard this song earlier and it describles well how I feel lately...or at least how I want to get to feeling. It's just the bridge and chorus but my favorite parts. The song is "Mountains" by Lonestar:

This world ain't fair
It can knock you on your butt
You can just lie there
Or you can get back up
You gotta get back up

There are times in life when you gotta crawl
Lose your grip, trip and fall
When you can't lean on no-one else
That's when you find yourself
I've been around and I've noticed that
Walkin's easier when the road is flat
Them danged ol' hiils'll get you every time
Yeah, the good Lord gave us mountains
(The good Lord gave us mountains)
So we could learn how to climb
Yeah, oh

Want a drink....?

I want to present you with a question...how much is too much?  What makes someone a "casual drinker" and what makes someone an "alcoholic"?  Medicinenet.com defines alcoholism as "Physical dependence on alcohol to the extent that stopping alcohol use will bring on withdrawal symptoms" and Webster's defines is as "continued excessive or compulsive use of alcoholic drink."  And the extremes are easy to spot.

I have one family member who may as well own a vineyard.  Bring a bottle of wine to dinner, it'll be gone before dessert starts.  Bring 2 and it's going to be a long, loud night.  "Just one glass" turns into "just one bottle" turns into passed out and sleeping in.  To the other extreme you have my father.  Don't get me wrong, he used to be a drinker...big time.  But all before I remember.  Now he's one of those people that so far into recovery that he thinks all alcohol is evil and anyone who drinks it is an alcoholic.  He acts as though since he had no restraint, then no one does, especially his children.  

Easy to tell in those 2 situations who does and doesn't have issues with drinking right now.  But what is "okay"?  To most people there is nothing wrong with a glass of wine or a beer now and then.  Many people don't find any problem with going out and having a few too many every once in a while.  I'm a nurse and I work 4 nights a week.  I am practically religious about not having even a sip of alcohol on days I'm schedule to work.  Doesn't matter if it's 10 hours before I'm scheduled to work, not even a sip.  But on my nights off I like to have A drink.  A glass of wine (which is still recommended by many doctors, to make a point!) or a beer. As I sit here typing I sip on my beer.  On a really stressful night I may have 2.  

Is there anything wrong with that?  Not to toot my own horn but I work hard...32 hours a week of a job that is tough and scary and stressful and at time heartbreaking; I pay the bills and deal with the stress of if there is enough money; I do the normal "wife" things like laundry and cleaning; I try to make sure there's time for my husband even though he isn't home until after 7 most nights and I need to leave for work at 10; and most important I am here EVERY afternoon with my child.  I volunteer in her library, have gone on every field trip, been to every school play, and I am the assistant coach on her soccer team.  So is it so wrong for me to want to wind down with a drink on the evenings I don't have to work? I personally don't think so.

But if not, then what IS too much?  Is it too much if you have 2 drinks a night?  What about 3 or 4?  I think we all can agree that if you are drinking a 6-pack every night, 7 days/week, it's not good.  But where is the line?  I think it is different for everyone.  I do realize that I never gave MY true opinion about what is "too much" and what isn't.  I just wanted to start the debate in your head.  It is what my rant of the night turned into! =)

.......

I have writters block...lol

Sorry if I offend....BUT

Let me start by saying this little expression of yet another one of my opinions was started by a very open and mutually supportive conversation on FB.  This is in no way a dig at anyone, just felt like expanding it a little!

I think I should  begin by telling you what kind of choices I have personally made in my family.  When I was in labor I took every single pain medication they would offer me, and will probably do the same the next time.  I bottle fed my daughter from the first moment, though next time I hope to breastfeed.  I used disposable diapers and though I would love to say I'd be more environmentally conscious next time, I will almost definitely do it again.  We didn't co-sleep and won't with my next child. My daughter has been vaccinated with everything required, on time (with the exception of shots she had to miss when she had surgery and the chick-pox vaccine since she actually GOT chicken-pox) and I plan on continuing that with the exception of one that I don't agree with yet.  My child went to daycare 5 days/week while I worked and went to school so that she and her siblings (someday) wouldn't have to.  I work full time and plan to for as long as I'm capable.

Whew....glad I got that off my chest.  So, I'm sure at least one person reading this (not that there's a lot of you) will disagree with at least part of, if not all of these things.  I'm sure you're thinking what comments you could make to help me realize the errors I've made and how to fix them next time.  But that isn't really the point...or is it?

Why do we as parents, especially mothers, feel the need to constantly judge each other's decisions?  Why do we feel that we know what is right or better for someone else's family and children?  How is it harmful to your way of life if I choose to get an epidural or work for a living?  And why should it be my business if you choose to hold off on vaccinations or stay home and raise your children?  The answers are: it's not harmful to your life and it's not any of my business.

We live in a world that allows us to raise our children the way we decide.  To give or not give them what we as parents feel is right.  We need to spend less time worrying about what everyone else is doing with their children and start paying more attention to what we are doing with our own children....cause that's the only thing we have control of and honestly, should be the only thing that matters.

So whether you decide to go with a natural birth or get the meds, bottle feed or breast feed, use disposable or cloth diapers, co-sleep or have a nursery, vaccinate or not, and are a working mom or a stay-at-home mom...I support your choice the same way I hope you would support mine.  So stop worrying about changing my mind to what you think is the "right choice" and just go hug and kiss that beautiful child of yours, that is being raised just the way he/she is supposed to be!

Sanity...

My child is trying to steal mine.  I'm convinced she is not really a cute 7-year-old little girl, but really a midget spy sent to push me until my last thread of sanity snaps and I'm put in a nice white padded room in a straight jacket. And her weapon of choice for this diabolical scheme?....HOMEWORK!!!!  I swear it's a truly brilliant and evil plan; and this is the way she is executing it:

First she must appear to be very very smart to all those around her.  She learns to read children's books herself by age 4 and is reading 4th grade level chapter books by age 6. She has a reading comprehension that allows her to recite back chapter books in detail when asked "what was that book about?".  She then gets herself put into an advanced reading group with the librarian in the first grade.  The top 5 students in the grade (as far as reading) get put into one group where they read a short book, do an outline, rough draft, final draft summary and picture.  They have 5 days to complete the writing and 2 days for the drawing.

Lots of work but pretty straight-forward...right?  Here is where her plan really takes off.  She then spends every single week doing the work half-assed (excuse my french) or just plain wrong.  We go over the same mistakes week after week after week.  If I tell her one week not to do A & B then the next week she does EXACTLY that all over again.

I know all parents are biased when it comes to their child, but she really is very intelligent.  She's advanced in reading, math and logic according to all her teacher and testing.  She does school work 2-3 grades ahead of the rest of her class. I don't want to already be that crazy parent that pushes her to be more and be better...but is it wrong to push her to do her best? Why on earth does she insist on doing the work half as well as she is capable of?  There is no logical reason.  Thus, my conclusion that my daughter is really a spy sent to drive me into insanity.

Things they never told me...

During pregnancy you read the books that tell you what to expect. Then you read more books about what to expect during the first year...and the second year...and every year.  But all you mamas out there know, the important things, you know, the frosting on the cake that is motherhood, isn't in any books.  The real moments that make you laugh, and cry, and well, question if you have any sanity left, are the ones that no one warns you about!!  Just thought I'd have some laughs and some cries and list a few.  Feel free to throw your own though the comments section!

~Bathroom time...you'll never have peace in the bathroom again.  Doesn't matter how old they are!  Babies will start crying, toddlers want to come in with you, school-aged kids miraculously need to pee as soon as the door is shut and teenagers won't let you in.  

~Food...your new staples will be: pasta, peanut butter, cereal, bread.  Do not even attempt to include: sauces, vegetables, complicated meals or meals where different colors and textures touch each other.  

~Pain...nothing has ever or will ever hurt as much as seeing your child sad or in pain.  It sucks, nothing makes it better and it breaks your heart every time.

~CVS/Walmart/the mailbox...all of these places are now way too far away and take way too long. Snow boots and car seats and screaming kids.  By the time you get to CVS you'll need to buy more Motrin!

~ Homework...you think it's your kid's problem?  Oh no, believe me, by 7 you'll be trying to remember how to do (even very simple) logic problems and write a simple sentence correctly!

~It's scary...from the moment you get that positive test, to the first steps, the first day of school, to the every other moment in their lives, you are scared.  What if they get hurt? What if no one likes them?  What is every second of every minute of every day of their life isn't perfect?

~A drink is whatever you have...when you've had a long day and all you need is one simple drink to relax, the 6-8 week old bottle of beer or the slightly funny tasting last glass of wine in the maybe too old bottle left in the fridge will have to do.  Because apparently it's not proper to bring your small child into the packie.  Lol

~You have an expiration date...It's nice to think during that first moment you hold them that they're going to need you forever for every aspect of their life.  But it's not true. Every step along the way you have to give up a piece of them so that they can do it alone. They learn to walk and no longer need your hand.  They learn to read and no longer need to be read to.  They grow up, they make their own choices, and all you can do is hope you taught them something along the way.

~You have no control...no matter how much you think you are running the show, the truth is they are. You don't say things like "I really wanted to cover the living room in glitter and paint today but I guess I'll have to go get my hair done instead." Nope, it's more like "I had an appointment to get my hair done today, scheduled for the last 4 weeks, but after a glass of spilled milk, a marker in the laundry, crayon on the wall and a cute pleading face I'm staying home and playing with my daughter."....they're in charge and it's totally worth it! 

Seriously.....?

So I just talked to Zach.  His boss (who loves loves loves him) is leaving.  We have been so lucky up till now.  He has no degree and has basically worked his way up the ladder with her pushing him along.  She had told him a few months ago that if he kept pushing himself like he does she'd like to have him running one of the new branches when it opens (he is currently manager of an established branch and getting the new ones is a huge raise and a huge honor).  She also told him she was pushing for one more raise for him since he is on the lower end of what the managers get paid.  Now she's leaving and there's a big chance none of this will happen.

We are comfortable with our income right now and we certainly don't NEED more.  It just throws a big wrench into our TTC plans. Zach's anticipated raise was a big part of our planned timing for TTC.  We were hoping that if we could save what we wanted on our income now, and then he got this raise then by the time the baby came (about 15-18 months away based on our "plans") then we would have enough for maternity leave and daycare 2 days a week for at least the first few months of back to work.  It's going to take a lot to convince him that it would all still work, money would just be a little tighter.  Normally I don't think this would bother me so much...but today just hasn't been my day.

And it's not going to be my night.  I am working with 2 woman tonight that are just horrible to work with.  The assignment is always made unfairly and neither of them are any help.  Plus, they're not the kind of coworks I can sit and tell all these things to and feel better.  Hopefully someone I like will be floated to the floor too so that I don't loose my mind...lol.  Seriously, is today over yet?

Can I get off here....?

I'm so sick of the emotional roller coaster that is my life.  I can deal with things when they are bad.  I can deal with things when they are good. What I hate is this back and forth of hope and heartbreak.

My dad's test results came back today...not good.  He's got multiple lymph nodes that were swollen in the past and are getting bigger instead of smaller.  He has a lesion on his clavicle (we already knew he had bone mets).  He has a 1 cm tumor in his left lung...his resection 1.5 years ago was on the right.  The lymph nodes that are growing are mostly in the center of his chest and very near to his windpipe.  All of this points to very bad.  His lung cancer is progressing quicker than it was before.

The oncologist doesn't want to treat yet.  Everything is small enough at this point that is wouldn't be very effective and may actually do more damage since it would make him weak and knock down his natural defenses.  So we wait until May and do another PET scan and CT.  He will probably start his 2nd round of chemo in June or July depending on how those scans look.

With all the good news we've gotten this week about Hannah's health and my labs I really hoped things would stay good for a while.  I didn't think his results would be negative...medically I understand that eventually this disease will kill him.  He's young and strong so it could literally move super slow and take 10+ years to do that.  But I know the chance of metastatic lung cancer being 100% cured is not likely, especially after all they've tried.  Everything has been so stable though, nothing growing, nothing new...why now?  Why finally when I have a chance to take a deep breath and relax does this stupid roller coast have to go on a downward slope and steal that breath away again?  I'm so sick of the up and down and up and down and up and down.  So I say to you, roller coaster of life............
                                                                              ...................can I get off here?

I'm Thankful...

Originally I was going to complain about stupid little things.  This week I have made a job out of turning good news into something to be upset about.  Not sure what's up with me, guess I'm just stressed, but a great lady I know reminded me today that I'm a lucky woman who has a lot to be thankful for!  So I thought I'd share and expand on what I realized I need to be thankful for (in no particular order)!  No one has to read it, but I'll know its here to remind me when things are tough!  


~I am thankful that my daughter is healthy and we no longer have to face the things that no parent should.  Not many people have to know what it's like to be forced to face the mortality of their own child, and that's the way it should be.  I don't think I'll ever truly shake that feeling cause once you've looked down that road you can't "unlook".  But there are many people out there that have suffered so much more, and we are indescribably lucky for our outcome =)


~I am thankful that whatever my dad's results say next week that he is one of my best friends and I can honestly say I've done everything to support him over these years.  I sat for 10 hours in a surgical waiting room, I skipped sleeping and time with my daughter to see him in the hospital.  I sat with him through chemo.  He danced with me at my wedding and help my baby in the hospital. We have gotten each other through the best and worst and no matter what happens in the future with his cancer, I can really say I have taken 100% advantage of having such a great man as a daddy =)


~I am thankful for a husband that loves me and takes care of me and our child even when he pisses me off, lol. Wow, he can be a PIA!!  He washed the laundry with red markers, forgets to clean my coffee mug before work and sits around playing video games when he could be cleaning.  Bu...t he works hard to put money in the bank.  He brings me vanilla ice cream and nyquil when I'm sick without being asked.  He grabs my hand and randomly starts dancing with me in the middle of the kitchen cause he feels like it.  He looks at me and tells me he loves me...and really means it =)


~I'm thankful for a sister and friends who enrich my life.  My little sister is a strong amazing person and I'm glad Hannah has such a great role model to look up to as she grows.  My friends (especially my best friend Erica) have been with me through pregnancy, marriage, Hannah's cancer...everything.  They keep me sane and I don't know how I would make it day-to-day without knowing they are there to catch me when I fall, and celebrate with me with things go great.


~I'm thankful for a job that puts food on my table and a roof over my head.  Many people (including my own father) would do anything for a consistent paycheck and a job to rely on.  We have 2 stable, well paying incomes coming in and though there are bad weeks I don't have to spend time worrying about how to put food on the table or pay for heat.  If my daughter wants to do an after school activity or go on a field trip I don't have to tell her no because we can't afford it. 


~I'm thankful for my labs coming back and being able to know that my body is healthy enough to carry a baby when we're ready.  It's a scary thing to wonder if your body will let you do the most natural things it was suppose to do.  It's aggravating to know that antibodies that my body has made against itself puts me at risk for infertility and miscarriages.  I'm thankful that taking 1 little white pill can correct most of the problem and make it as safe as possible to TTC when we want to...no matter how many lab draws I'll need once we do.  Lol


Well, I'm sure there is more, and I know that was really long, but I don't care!!!  I have been concentrating so much on the bad and the scary and the negative lately that I needed a good examination of all I have to be thankful for.  

Feeling Better... I Think

     Hannah seems to be feeling better today.  Still saying she's getting headaches on and off.  Not sure what to do about that though.  I know her vision isn't 100% but since she does so well in school I figure we can deal with it when she starts complaining.  The problem is Hannah tends to cling to anything that gets her sympathy and use it until you have to stop ignoring it.  For over a year after surgery she would get "belly aches" every time she got in trouble or didn't want to do something.  It got to the point where we had to tell her "you're fine" and make her go back to what she was doing.  But it's so hard, because what if she really is in pain?  She has always refused to take meds, even Tylenol and Motrin, since surgery so it's not like there's anything we can do other than give her hugs and kisses.  Considering she is currently dancing in the living room to the theme song to "Wizards of Waverly Place" I'd say she's ok for now. Lol.  I just have to figure out what to do long term if this turns into a constant thing.

     She was nice enough to share her headache from yesterday with me though!  Lol.  My head is killing and it was not a fun ride to the doctor's office and back to get my labs done.  I would love my thyroid levels to be perfect but if they're off it'll be a concrete reason not to annoy Zach about wanting a baby earlier than we plan...lol .  My baby fever is getting crazy at this point.  There are so many babies around right now that it's like sticking an alcoholic in a bar!!!!  Lol

Rant & Rave...

So I'm new to this whole blogging thing.  It's always seemed a little silly to me...who cares what my day was like or what crazy ramblings are going on in my head, right?  Well over the past months of getting to know the online world that's beyond Facebook and email isn't just for stalking weirdos and nerdy loser I figured I'd give it a try!  After quite a long, emotional few days I have a much needed rant, and a much needed rave!  Should we start with good or bad first?  Hmmm...I say get the bad out of the way!!!

RANT!!!!
Yesterday we were looked in the eye by a clinician at Dana Farber and told our child was healthy and her cancer would NEVER come back.  Should be the rave, right?  Well that's the good part.  All evening yesterday I could feel this sense of everything was finally going to be "normal" and cancer was finally not a part of my little family.  Except, that's never going to be the case.  Hannah had a HORRIBLE day today.  She always gets upset after going for that appointment because she understands the reality that the kids there are very sick and that some of them will even die.  Today she came home from school complaining of headaches and being truely exhausted.  She had barely any energy and took hours to do a homework assignment that should have been an hour at most.  Twice she randomly burst into tears for no obvious reason and it took 5-10 minutes to calm her down.  That's when I realized this is always going to be a part of her life...at least until she's an adult.  Every year she will have to go in to this office and see children her age and younger who are suffering and loosing their fight.  It's hard enough for an adult to grasp how & why this happens...how is my 7-year-old supposed to understand that?  More importantly WHY should she have to understand that?  Why does my child have to see these things when most people don't truly go through it until they are a teenager or older?  And once she moves past getting upset at the appointments? What then? She'll be old enough to really notice that she has a huge scar down her entire abdomen that makes her "different". She'll have issuse with body image and confidence.  I've dealt with being sad that she had to be in pain during surgery, and being scared at every follow up...right now I'm angry.  I don't want anyone else's child to have to deal with this either, and don't get my wrong, I understand we were more than lucky with the outcome of all of this.  But it still leaves me with this anger that she will always be labeled as a "cancer" survivor and she will never just be a normal kid that went through a carefree life...and why doesn't she deserve it?  


Wow, that was a long rant!  Now to the nice...
RAVE!!!
I love my online friends!!  In the months (almost a year) since I have found my mom board these ladies have been an indescribable amount of support.  They have really shown me that close proximity doesn't need to be a requirement of friendship.  There are so many things in life that you can't complain or vent about publicly because someone who knows someone who knows someone may tell someone (did you follow that?  lol).  That's no the way with these ladies.  They are open, non-judgmental and truly supportive for no other reason than they want to be and hope I will do the same in return.  I really appreciate all the kind words, prayers, laughs and advice we have all shared and look forward to so many more!