Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Rant & Rave...

So I'm new to this whole blogging thing.  It's always seemed a little silly to me...who cares what my day was like or what crazy ramblings are going on in my head, right?  Well over the past months of getting to know the online world that's beyond Facebook and email isn't just for stalking weirdos and nerdy loser I figured I'd give it a try!  After quite a long, emotional few days I have a much needed rant, and a much needed rave!  Should we start with good or bad first?  Hmmm...I say get the bad out of the way!!!

Yesterday we were looked in the eye by a clinician at Dana Farber and told our child was healthy and her cancer would NEVER come back.  Should be the rave, right?  Well that's the good part.  All evening yesterday I could feel this sense of everything was finally going to be "normal" and cancer was finally not a part of my little family.  Except, that's never going to be the case.  Hannah had a HORRIBLE day today.  She always gets upset after going for that appointment because she understands the reality that the kids there are very sick and that some of them will even die.  Today she came home from school complaining of headaches and being truely exhausted.  She had barely any energy and took hours to do a homework assignment that should have been an hour at most.  Twice she randomly burst into tears for no obvious reason and it took 5-10 minutes to calm her down.  That's when I realized this is always going to be a part of her life...at least until she's an adult.  Every year she will have to go in to this office and see children her age and younger who are suffering and loosing their fight.  It's hard enough for an adult to grasp how & why this happens...how is my 7-year-old supposed to understand that?  More importantly WHY should she have to understand that?  Why does my child have to see these things when most people don't truly go through it until they are a teenager or older?  And once she moves past getting upset at the appointments? What then? She'll be old enough to really notice that she has a huge scar down her entire abdomen that makes her "different". She'll have issuse with body image and confidence.  I've dealt with being sad that she had to be in pain during surgery, and being scared at every follow up...right now I'm angry.  I don't want anyone else's child to have to deal with this either, and don't get my wrong, I understand we were more than lucky with the outcome of all of this.  But it still leaves me with this anger that she will always be labeled as a "cancer" survivor and she will never just be a normal kid that went through a carefree life...and why doesn't she deserve it?  

Wow, that was a long rant!  Now to the nice...
I love my online friends!!  In the months (almost a year) since I have found my mom board these ladies have been an indescribable amount of support.  They have really shown me that close proximity doesn't need to be a requirement of friendship.  There are so many things in life that you can't complain or vent about publicly because someone who knows someone who knows someone may tell someone (did you follow that?  lol).  That's no the way with these ladies.  They are open, non-judgmental and truly supportive for no other reason than they want to be and hope I will do the same in return.  I really appreciate all the kind words, prayers, laughs and advice we have all shared and look forward to so many more!  


  1. This post totally had me in tears!! You are one strong mama and little miss Hannah is a strong little lady!! Much love to you guys :o)

  2. Thanks!! Really, it's all her. I'm here to support her, but it's going to be her that has to live it. She's a strong little girl!

  3. Hugs and High-Fives!

    Technically speaking, we're only about 4 hours from each other =]

  4. That's a good point Jenn, I always forget a few of you are right in NY. =)